UnReel Headline: Doug Funnie Wanted for Terrorist Ties

Television star Doug Funnie is now wanted in questioning for possible links to Al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations. Although no actual evidence has surfaced, his loyalty to America was recently brought into question when government officials were notified by two facebook members, Zack Emery and Zack Cash,  about the unusual size of his nose.

Zack Cash (R) and Zack Emery (L) pictured at a Deer Orgy

"I first realized there was something up when a friend made a picture of Doug his profile picture as a joke. It immediately dawned on me that something was not right with the picture." Zack Cash was quoted as saying.  "I mean I'm no professional  at stereotyping people based on their physical appearance, so I automatically assumed he was just a Jew, until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that both African Americans as well as Arabs are both known for their unusual nose size. If he wasn't a Jew himself, I wouldn't have believed him!" Cash concluded.

When asked for more detail about how he came to this conclusion, Zack Emery quickly responded, "I'm a Jew. Jew Jew Jew, Hanika, Minora, money money money," and other typical Jew lingo.

Government rendering of Doug as a terrorist

Although absolutely no evidence of any ties to any terrorist organization has been recovered, many Republicans defend the accusations.

Former Aid to the Bush Administration, George Washington Palin McCain Jefferson was quoted as saying,

"I mean do you need any more evidence? Have you seen this guy's nose? I mean at first I thought he was just a harmless Jew, until these guys pointed out that other people have big noses! I mean terrorists have big noses, so he must be a terrorist!"

With that piece of damning evidence, the United States Government immediately began to take the terrorist threat seriously and a massive man hunt for Doug Funnie has begun to spread across the country.

*** UPDATE ***

A recent video has surfaced from alleged terrorist Doug Funnie, now known as Doug Muhammad  Ali Osama Bin Funnie. Although the government has refused to release the video, they are quoted as saying that he has admitted that he was not, at first, attached to any terror organizations, but was forced into surface when the United States government gave him no choice by labeling him a suspect.

Friends of Bin Funnie have said that they are not shocked by the recent turn of events. Close friend Pork Chop was recently quoted as saying,

"Ever since Patty Mayonnaise spiraled into drugs and the adult film industry, he's never been the same. I expected some major break down, but to be honest I thought he would be a homosexual before he would become a terrorist. But I guess terrorism isn't his worst choice, he could have become a Republican and destroyed America from the inside out!" 

Initial government reports say that he was recruited by long time friend Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine and joined the ranks of Al-Qaeda as an entry level member in charge of distribution of terrorist advertisements (seen below).

With such a positive response to his first pamphlet,  he was promoted to Al-Qaeda Hiring Manager, where he came up with new and creative recruiting tactics, such as all male terror singing group, The Baghdad  Boys with their number one hit, "My Love is exploding, killing many innocent people, but at least one...possibly two infidels", the terrorist rapper Da Camel Man with his top hit, "I've got 99 virgins, but an Infidel ain't one." Both of these musical artists brought terrorism to the youth making it seem cool.

U.S. government officials have responded with, 

"Dude, we've been trying to make joining our military cool for years! I hate to admit it, but I even have Camel Man's new record."

Although Bin Funnie's whereabouts are currently unknown, top U.S. officials have been quoted as saying, 

"We always get our man...well, most of the time anyway...except for the Bin Waddle guy or whatever..."

More on this story as it develops.

UnReel Headline: BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer found murdered

Dora the New Savior of Mankind?

Dora on the Cross (location unknown)

An icon to children around the world, Dora the Explorer was recently found dead. Although her body was found in an alley known for gang violence, she was later relocated by hundreds of children and nailed to a cross.

Payton Andretti shitting his pants

When asked why they did what they did, two year old Payton Andretti simply replied, "Well to my generation, Dora the Explorer represents cultural diversity in America, and around the world.
Her simplistic journeys from point A to point B gather children from all walks of life, transcending gender, race, and creed. When I first saw Dora the Explorer, my first response was 'who is this bitch?' but as I continued to watch, I realized how pivotal she is in human growth and development. Now if you would excuse me, I have shit my pants."
 
The official police report has put Dora's death between 1 and 1:15am Wednesday morning. Although details have not been released as to the cause of death, and unofficial source has stated that their is evidence of rape.

When asked if there were any suspects or leads, the police refused to comment, but with the knowledge of the sexual crime, our sources have reviled that there is an active search for a person of interest.

Raper the Rapist aka Swiper Hernandez

After interviewing neighbors, and a little investigative reporting, UnReel News has uncovered this mugshot of a suspect known only as "Raper the Rapist".

Raper started out with simple swiping, but was later busted on charges of breaking and entering, prostitution and distribution of narcotics. Although he has no prior history of sexual assault, friends say that it was the logical next step.

When asked to comment on his involvement, Raper could not be reached for comment. But our calls were later returned by his attorneys, whose only comment on the subject was, "Raper no raping!"

*** UPDATE ***

A few days has passed since the death of Dora the Explorer, and now not only children are flocking to her site. Now adults and people of all ages have found themselves on pilgrimages to the site of her crucifixion. UnReel News had the opportunity to speak with Amos Botstein, a former Rabbi, turned Doranist.

Amos Botstein, Doranist

  When asked why the change in religions, he had this to say, "Well it's actually quiet simple...why the hell not? God had my people wandering around in the desert for 40 years. At least with Dora to follow we know it's always simple. Where are we going? the holy land! Where are we going? the holy land! Where are we going? And not to mention instead of these hats, I get to trade it in for my baaaack pack baaaack pack! Who wouldn't want to be a Doranist?"

More on this story as it develops.

UnReel Stories: The Jesus Monologues: Grounded To Life

So I guess I should just start with what brought me to St. Louis. After all, millions and millions of people have been awaiting my return, others having been roaming the earth looking for me, and a few people of no particular race, and who shall remain nameless, thought I would never return...or should I say hoped I would never return... cough cough the jews cough cough ...

To spare you a long story, I'll simply cut to the point. My dad, "Mr. Look at me, I'm all mighty" grounded me to earth. That's right, even the son of God gets grounded.

What does the savior of mankind have to do to get booted from the right hand of the thrown? Ah, you just had to ask, didn't you...Two words.

September....Eleventh....

Ya guys, I'll admit it. That was me! Sorry for one of the worst disasters in American History. Personally I don't really see what the big deal is! I personally think that people should just get over it and move on!

I mean seriously guys! So what! I was bored and just needed a little entertainment! So I was just sitting around and decided it would be fun...so on September 11th, 1965...when no one was around, I created the musical "artist" Moby.

I'm soooooooooooooo sorry! How was I to know that he would turn out to be so stupid!

I mean for my dad's sake, have you seen some of things that he's made?!

I mean look at that elephant kid from that one movie with Cher!

And the Devil made the entire Bush family...

and not to mention the movie "Gigli" with Ben Afleck...or ANY Ben Afleck movie for that matter...which came from...well, we're not really sure who is responsible for those pieces of shit...I'm almost positive The Roman God of Oh My God I must be completely Retarded to let Ben Afleck Movies continue to be released, is responsible of that....but I can't really be too sure.

So looks like I have a few million years to waste, so I might as well jump on the ol' Blogging Band Wagon like the rest of the cool kids.  And who knows, I think I might go out and see the town, and maybe even get a job or something...after all, do you know who my father is?!

In the mean time, I had a chance to go out to a local homosexual parade and even had a chance to meet that Albert Puljoles Guy! Having a great time in St. Louis!!!!

This is me just hangin out with Al!!!

And this is me hangin' out with Gabe and Eric, those silly bitches! lolz!

UnReel Stories: The Muffin Monologues: Two Muffins in a Stove

...Two Muffins were sitting in a stove...

Two Muffins were sitting in a stove. The first muffin, a slightly over-weight muffin named Francis, looked over to the heavy brown stranger muffin that sat cooking beside him.

"Dude...I'm baked." He said, breaking the awkward silence. After a slight pause, the brown muffin turned slowly to face Francis.

"Did you say something?" The brown muffin replied.

Francis looked down, obviously thinking deeply before answering.

"Yes. I believe so."

"Were you talking to me?" The brown muffin asked.

Francis looked around the empty stove, in which they were the only two present. He opened his mouth to answer, but instead quickly did a 360 turn around to make sure there wasn't anyone behind him that he hadn't seen previously. After realizing that it was in fact just the two of them, he continued to answer the brown muffin.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Francis finally replied.

"Yes, I asked if you were talking to me." The brown muffin asked.

After taking another moment to think, Francis spoke, "Do you find it a little odd that we are two types of bread that are baked in small portions, shaped somewhat like small cakes or cupcakes, although we usually are not as sweet as cupcakes and generally lack frosting, sitting in a stove, and strangest of all, we are able to communicate with each other?"

The words seemed to hit the brown muffin on an intellectual level. He seemed to dwell on his existence for a moment, then suddenly looking up, he asked, "What's frosting?"

Francis, who's attention had wandered off looked up completely startled. He looked at the brown muffin, then around the stove, then back at the brown muffin, before screaming at the top of his lungs,

"AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!"

The Weekly Holiday: National Clown Week!

That's right folks, the first week in August is National Clown Week! So let's take this moment to remember some of the clowns throughout our history that have made us laugh...and cry...and cower in the corner...and ruined our childhood by pretending that they lost their puppy and offered free balloons and candy if I got into the creepy van and helped him and his friend find it...

So without further a due:

Pogo the Clown

(March 17, 1942 – May 10, 1994)

This wonderful clown brought joy to the hearts of many a children in the neighborhood, and many a hearts of children to the crawl space under his home!

Until he was arrested, he raped and murdered at least 33 young men and boys! (Balloon animals in the shape of my wiener anyone?)

But what really set Pogo apart from other clowns (besides the multiple rapes, molestations, and murders)? He created his own costumes and taught himself to do his own makeup, and even going as far as painting sharp corners at the edges of his mouth, contrary to the rounded borders that professional clowns normally employed, so as not to "frighten small children". Well what a nice and considerate clown! Not only does he care about helping children with sexual experiences, but he also doesn't want to scare them! Nothing says "Happy" like a friendly, non-child frightening, rapist murdering clown!

But let's move on, shall we?

Insane Clown Posse

Whether its entertaining their endless amount of fans in trailer parks around the world with horrible song concepts and meaninglessness lyrics that contain no breath control, horrible delivery, no presence, and little to no alliteration and pathetic rhymes or just simply being completely retarded, even gay clowns deserve a little attention during national clown week!

So here it is. Happy National Clown Week, you stupid waste of airwaves! Happy National Clown Week.

Klownzilla

And less we forget, the wonderful Klownzilla and his group of killer clowns from the 1988 American comedy horror movie, Killer Klowns from Outer Space. 

Nothing says "good time" like sadistic aliens resembling clowns descending from space in a circus tent spaceship to harvest the human race as sustenance armed with killer shadow puppets, bloodhound-like balloon animals and a ray gun that looks like a child's toy!

So next time you feel just a little creeped out about the local neighborhood clown, just remember, could be worse!

Rants & Raves: Equal Rights: I'm not close minded, I hate EVERYONE EQUALLY

Equal Rights: The concept that every person is to be treated equally by the law

***  I understand that this is a touchy subject, and I would like to say that I will tread lightly, but this would be a lie. So before I begin on this rant, I must apologize for not apologizing. If you are offended by this post, than you are supposed to be. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am NOT racist, nor sexist, and am actually extremely liberal and very open minded. Too many people notice this, yet no one seems to say anything, so I figure this needs to be said. ***

  I will start with homosexuality, since this is a big one in the news right now.

I am all for same sex marriage. Love is love, and has absolutely no criteria. You love someone for who they are on the inside and not the outside, and love should never be defined nor restricted by appearance, whether it be a scar on their face, a receding hairline, overweight, or even having the same junk as you do in their pants.

But I digress, this is not the point of this post. It's actually about equal rights...or the lack there of in America. Like I said previously, I completely agree with equality and same-sex relationships, but what I DON'T agree with the concept that is Gay Pride. If you want to be equal, than stop making yourself stand apart. I don't care if you paint "Gay & Proud" on your back then walk topless down the street. Doesn't bother me at all. Married people wear rings on their finger or T-shirts that say "Just Married" and even paint it on their car. Same concept essentially. A man and woman can kiss in public. A man and a man can kiss in public. And yes, even a woman and a woman can kiss and public, and even some necking if they want. But for the love of God, if people get offended...don't automatically assume that it's because you are gay. Yes, the anti-homosexuals are still out there, lurking, waiting to jump out with a gay hate sign, but this is a new generation that for the most part is very open, give for the uptight rednecks and conservatives who fear change. But how about before assuming it's because you're gay, maybe it's because you should stop flaunting your personal moments in a public place. I have just as much a problem with a straight couple making out in public than a same sex couple. It's not about gender. Its about keeping your private stuff private.

It doesn't matter who you are. You could be completely awesome Tito Ortiz and completely hot porn star Jenna Jameson...still disgusting, still inappropriate in public.

The point I'm trying to make is this: You don't see different sex couples walking around with shirts that say: "Straight and Proud". We don't have a parade celebrating our straightness. We don't have straight colors or straight shapes. If you want equality, than act like it.

And this isn't just aimed as homosexuals. It applies to EVERYONE! I saw a black women in Wal-Mart the other day with a shirt that said: "My Prez is Black". I understand that this is a proud moment in both black history and American history. We have come a long way, and yes we have even farther to go from here. I voted for Obama. I was so excited to see that we finally brought someone into office, not because of their race, but for their beliefs, and their promise for change. But once again, if you want to be treated equally, act like it. Take the equal treatment, both good and bad. You should not be able to choose when equality applies. If a white man wears a shirt that says "My president is white" It's racist! Why the hell does it matter what color anyone is?! There is no white history month! There is no college that only lets in whites! There are no college funds JUST for the white kids! And the same thing applies to women!

I am ALL for progression in equality, but how is it equal that when a white man applies for a job, a women or a black man has to be considered first? What ever happened to just deciding on qualifications?

I'm just so tired of people using race, gender, or sexual preference as a crutch or an excuse. You can fight for equality, you know, the idea that everyone is created equal, but don't complain for being treated different when you yourself have things just for you.

No one cares if you're proud to be a woman. No one cares that you're proud to be black, asian, or middle eastern. If you want the world to treat you equally, start by treating yourself equally. Change begins with you. If you are going to be proud of something, be proud to make a difference. Be proud that race or gender or sexuality means absolutely nothing. Because if you flaunt gay pride, black power, or even white power, you are just as guilty and close minded as the people you are fighting against.

And I will end this rant with two things. First a quote that many have heard, yet some have misunderstood:

"And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

And also this beautiful moment:

UnReel Update: This Just In - We're NOT Original!

BREAKING NEWS:

It has recently been brought to the attention of UnReel News, that there are several other sites that not only rival our own, but also posses more than four readers!

This shocking turn of events has led the writers and editors, which is me, and also me again, and several other employees, me, me, me, annnnnnnnnnnnd me, to rethink our current format. So after strenuous meetings with line graphs and some charts, we have decided that on top of our obviously plagiarized stories from top news sites (which we simply add a few seemingly witty comments throughout) we will be adding a few additional features!

• More Pictures!
• Turns out that people hate reading! So in order to assure that you can understand what is going on, we'll take it down a couple of reading levels!

• UnReel Articles!
• These are completely fictional articles on current events and places that never happened and do not actually exist! That's right! When news is lame, we make shit up!

Too much reading? Here's a picture of some woman's hooters eating a kitten to keep your interest!

• UnReel Interviews!
• Fake interviews with people you want to hear from, saying whatever the hell we want them to

•  Videos!
• For those who aren't entertained by pictures, there will be moving pictures as well, such as this one!

• And UnReel Stories!
• Fictional stories (yes there will be pictures) and comics for you to follow and read!

UnReel Headline: Squirrel Juice

Cat Playing Piano Has Nothing on these Guys!

You'd expect a lot from a bottle of beer costing $765. What you get is 55 percent alcohol — and served in a squirrel.

As if sitting around in a trailer park giving your siblings hickies weren't back water enough, now combine your favorite beverage served chilled...inside road kill.

Just 12 bottles were made and the company has already sold out. They will be shipped out to buyers in the United States, Canada, Italy, Denmark, Scotland and England next week.

At almost $800 a bottle, I am shocked that the Scottish firm BrewDog were able to sell all 12 bottles without accepting food stamps. But at a whopping 55%, some brother sister couple are going to have the most romantic deer meat and Weasel drunk night of their inbred lives.

The name of the blond Belgian ale is taken from the title of a book by philosopher Francis Fukuyama, "The End of History and the Last Man" which the company said had been chosen to imply "this is to beer what democracy is to history." Because nothing says class like naming roadkill encased booze after a philosophical writing.

And in case you were wondering how many animals were killed to make this product, James Watt, co-founder of BrewDog says, "The dead animals which were used to create the beers' unusual appearance were four squirrels, seven weasels and a hare. All were roadkill."

What a beautiful story. Is it sad if I actually want one of these?

Original Story here

UnReel Headline: Church Blasts Gay Priests

UnReel News has a Solution!

 ROME — The Italian church says gay priests must not lead a "double life," expressing pain and anger over a magazine article and video purporting to show priests frequenting gay locales in Rome. 

Personally, this reporter is shocked! Priests...visiting MEN? Somewhere in the world an orphanage of blind alter boys have just had their dreams crushed, which compared to having a crushed anus, is not such a bad alternative.

The weekly Panorma magazine said it interviewed several gay priests in Rome and accompanied them to clubs frequented by homosexuals in the capital. It quoted one as saying that 98 percent of the priests he knew were gay.

With so much attention on the Catholic Church, there is only one obvious solution. Only ordain female priests age 18 to 26. It's simple. If they violate an alter boy (of legal age, of course) it's a life lesson! If they decide to dabble in a little homosexuality from time to time, and God for bid it gets caught on tape...well, you get the picture. The world won't have such a big problem with it!

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with male on male homosexuality. I'm simply stating that two young women, scantily clad in priestess and catholic school girl attire is more appealing to me. For example:

UnReel Headline: Costa Ricans Hate Mel Gibson and They're Still not a State

Just Got Mel-ed

Mel Gibson owns a $25.8 million ranch that sprawls across 402 acres of Costa Rica’s Pacific Coast, but in the wake of the public release of those profanity-laced sexist, racist and derogatory rants secretly recorded by his former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, it doesn’t sound as though he’ll be quite as welcome at his “vacation destination.”

Local residents of Nosara, Costa Rica have been quoted as saying they no longer want him infiltrating their happy little community...or at least until the heat dies down.

Unfortunately for the people of Nosara, no one has ever heard of them. And as for Costa Rica, it obvious that they are still angry that they have not been accepted as a state.

When asked of his reply to the community's requests, Gibson was quoted as saying "I'll put you in a fucking rose garden you cunt. You understand that? Because I'm capable of it."

When asked if he plans on returning to his beach-side home in Costa Rica, Mr. Gibson kindly replied, "What are you talking about you fucking ignorant bitch? I don't understand you. You're saying stupid shit!"

Since his home in Costa Rica is obviously a touchy subject, we decided to cancel the interview and instead show you this wonderful video of some of Mel's rants set to lovely music and cute pictures of kittens, puppies, and bunnies! Enjoy!

But in the mean time, the residents have even come up with their very own Mel-inspired terminology which is apparently spreading around the town like wildfire. “If something bad happens to you, it is called the ‘Gibson Wave’ (being a crappy wave) or if you hear ‘I just got Mel-ed’ it means that person just got upset or is really angry – the equivalent of someone going postal,” explained Tim Marsh, who co-owns the high-profile Safari Surf Camp in Nosara, Costa Rica, with his brother Tyler who used to care for the property now owned by Gibson. “I even hear that someone ‘had the Passion of Christ’ when describing an argument with another person.” Which I believe means that you were so mad that you beat them to a bloody pulp with whips and chains, spit on them, forced them to wear a crown of thorns, then made them carry a cross through the streets until you finally hung them from it by hammering their outer extremities with nails, then shoved a spear through their side, waited a few hundred years until you were nice and guilt ridden, then denied his existence.

It's funny, because it's witty! OH, Costa Rica, you silly bitch!

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