UnReel Update: This Just In - We're NOT Original!

BREAKING NEWS:

It has recently been brought to the attention of UnReel News, that there are several other sites that not only rival our own, but also posses more than four readers!

This shocking turn of events has led the writers and editors, which is me, and also me again, and several other employees, me, me, me, annnnnnnnnnnnd me, to rethink our current format. So after strenuous meetings with line graphs and some charts, we have decided that on top of our obviously plagiarized stories from top news sites (which we simply add a few seemingly witty comments throughout) we will be adding a few additional features!

• More Pictures!
• Turns out that people hate reading! So in order to assure that you can understand what is going on, we'll take it down a couple of reading levels!

• UnReel Articles!
• These are completely fictional articles on current events and places that never happened and do not actually exist! That's right! When news is lame, we make shit up!

Too much reading? Here's a picture of some woman's hooters eating a kitten to keep your interest!

• UnReel Interviews!
• Fake interviews with people you want to hear from, saying whatever the hell we want them to

•  Videos!
• For those who aren't entertained by pictures, there will be moving pictures as well, such as this one!

• And UnReel Stories!
• Fictional stories (yes there will be pictures) and comics for you to follow and read!

UnReel Headline: Squirrel Juice

Cat Playing Piano Has Nothing on these Guys!

You'd expect a lot from a bottle of beer costing $765. What you get is 55 percent alcohol — and served in a squirrel.

As if sitting around in a trailer park giving your siblings hickies weren't back water enough, now combine your favorite beverage served chilled...inside road kill.

Just 12 bottles were made and the company has already sold out. They will be shipped out to buyers in the United States, Canada, Italy, Denmark, Scotland and England next week.

At almost $800 a bottle, I am shocked that the Scottish firm BrewDog were able to sell all 12 bottles without accepting food stamps. But at a whopping 55%, some brother sister couple are going to have the most romantic deer meat and Weasel drunk night of their inbred lives.

The name of the blond Belgian ale is taken from the title of a book by philosopher Francis Fukuyama, "The End of History and the Last Man" which the company said had been chosen to imply "this is to beer what democracy is to history." Because nothing says class like naming roadkill encased booze after a philosophical writing.

And in case you were wondering how many animals were killed to make this product, James Watt, co-founder of BrewDog says, "The dead animals which were used to create the beers' unusual appearance were four squirrels, seven weasels and a hare. All were roadkill."

What a beautiful story. Is it sad if I actually want one of these?

Original Story here

UnReel Headline: Church Blasts Gay Priests

UnReel News has a Solution!

 ROME — The Italian church says gay priests must not lead a "double life," expressing pain and anger over a magazine article and video purporting to show priests frequenting gay locales in Rome. 

Personally, this reporter is shocked! Priests...visiting MEN? Somewhere in the world an orphanage of blind alter boys have just had their dreams crushed, which compared to having a crushed anus, is not such a bad alternative.

The weekly Panorma magazine said it interviewed several gay priests in Rome and accompanied them to clubs frequented by homosexuals in the capital. It quoted one as saying that 98 percent of the priests he knew were gay.

With so much attention on the Catholic Church, there is only one obvious solution. Only ordain female priests age 18 to 26. It's simple. If they violate an alter boy (of legal age, of course) it's a life lesson! If they decide to dabble in a little homosexuality from time to time, and God for bid it gets caught on tape...well, you get the picture. The world won't have such a big problem with it!

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with male on male homosexuality. I'm simply stating that two young women, scantily clad in priestess and catholic school girl attire is more appealing to me. For example:

UnReel Headline: Costa Ricans Hate Mel Gibson and They're Still not a State

Just Got Mel-ed

Mel Gibson owns a $25.8 million ranch that sprawls across 402 acres of Costa Rica’s Pacific Coast, but in the wake of the public release of those profanity-laced sexist, racist and derogatory rants secretly recorded by his former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, it doesn’t sound as though he’ll be quite as welcome at his “vacation destination.”

Local residents of Nosara, Costa Rica have been quoted as saying they no longer want him infiltrating their happy little community...or at least until the heat dies down.

Unfortunately for the people of Nosara, no one has ever heard of them. And as for Costa Rica, it obvious that they are still angry that they have not been accepted as a state.

When asked of his reply to the community's requests, Gibson was quoted as saying "I'll put you in a fucking rose garden you cunt. You understand that? Because I'm capable of it."

When asked if he plans on returning to his beach-side home in Costa Rica, Mr. Gibson kindly replied, "What are you talking about you fucking ignorant bitch? I don't understand you. You're saying stupid shit!"

Since his home in Costa Rica is obviously a touchy subject, we decided to cancel the interview and instead show you this wonderful video of some of Mel's rants set to lovely music and cute pictures of kittens, puppies, and bunnies! Enjoy!

But in the mean time, the residents have even come up with their very own Mel-inspired terminology which is apparently spreading around the town like wildfire. “If something bad happens to you, it is called the ‘Gibson Wave’ (being a crappy wave) or if you hear ‘I just got Mel-ed’ it means that person just got upset or is really angry – the equivalent of someone going postal,” explained Tim Marsh, who co-owns the high-profile Safari Surf Camp in Nosara, Costa Rica, with his brother Tyler who used to care for the property now owned by Gibson. “I even hear that someone ‘had the Passion of Christ’ when describing an argument with another person.” Which I believe means that you were so mad that you beat them to a bloody pulp with whips and chains, spit on them, forced them to wear a crown of thorns, then made them carry a cross through the streets until you finally hung them from it by hammering their outer extremities with nails, then shoved a spear through their side, waited a few hundred years until you were nice and guilt ridden, then denied his existence.

It's funny, because it's witty! OH, Costa Rica, you silly bitch!

Click for Original Story

UnReel Headline: Tropical Depression George W. Bush heads for Gulf

Tropical Depression cares more about the Gulf then former president

A recently developed tropical depression in the Bahamas now sets it's eyes on the Gulf, which has been on an optimistic streak since the Saints won the Super Bowl.

"It's about time something bad happened to the Gulf! After all, we've had such good luck in the past!" a unnamed resident was quoted as saying. Despite recent floods, storms, and that whole oil spill thing, the residents seem fairly optimistic.

"A sprinkle of rain, a cool summer breeze...they should have called it a tropical paradise, not depression!" says another, obviously inbred resident of southern Mississippi, whose home looked like a mound of cow shit before the recent tragedies.

While some say that the recent tragedies that have hit the Gulf region were horrible, most still agree that all of the damages still have brought more aid than former President George W. Bush.

"At least with the oil spill, we got a lot of fish and marine life already oiled up for cooking!" Says Martha Steward of Biloxi. "And the recent floods helped us move our trailer from the old park to the seafront! Not to mention all the free shit we got out of the neighbors house!"

"With all the anarchy we've had as of late, their have been rapists running free across the state," says 86 year old Gretta Overwood, an old and homely woman. "Ever since my late husband Fredrick died, this has been my best chance at getting laid!"

But despite their overly optimistic attitudes, many from far and wide have traveled to the south to help.

"With so many young boys still homeless and misplaced after Hurricane Katrina, someone needs to come forward and give them a hand to hold, a lap to sit on, and more importantly a place to stay overnight with a responsible individual who can hold them when they cry." Says Father Regenold Feelgoth founder of the Biloxi Associated Leadership Limited (BALL) and the Southern Association of Catholic Kindness or (SACK).

Stay tuned for updates to this story

Original Story Here

UnReel Headline: Cavewomen Get Their Rocks Off

Prehistoric Cavewives Break Flint

Last week, an excavation in Sweden turned up an object that bears the unmistakable look of a flint breaker carved out of antler bone, though scientists can't be exactly sure what it was used for.

For those not aware of what a flint breaker is: Flint Breaker.

The carved bone was unearthed at a Mesolithic site in Motala, Sweden, that is rich with ancient artifacts from between 4,000 to 6,000 B.C. The area's unique features may have allowed bone artifacts, which usually get destroyed over the millennia, to survive, allowing this priceless artifact to remain naturally hard for much longer than 4-6 hours.

"The object may have been used as a tool, such as to chip flakes of flint," archaeologist Gšran Gruber of the National Heritage Board in Sweden, who worked on the excavation. "One end is shaped into more of a point." he said. 

It's not immediately clear whether the tool would have been one most likely to be used by men or women or both.

"It's an organic object, that's why it's special," Gruber told LiveScience. "Normally when we excavate early Mesolithic sites we never get the organic material. But this site where we're excavating now is along the shoreline. The preservation is very good here – it's been lying in the bottom sediments and clay layers of the river, and it's been well preserved there."

While some see a prehistoric tool used to break flint, others have made astounding accusations that it actually resembles actor Owen Wilson's nose, while others make the argument that it is an almost exact match to an all meat thermometer , Baby's arm holding an apple, Doctor Wang, and a purple headed yogurt slinger (no image could be found).

I don't know about the other things, but sure looks like a wiener to me.

The dildo-like object is about 4 inches (10.5 cm) long and 0.8 inches (2 cm) in diameter, leaving many to wonder if it was somehow transported to the European area from Asia, due to its advanced artistic carving techniques...and having nothing to do with it's size, or lack there of...because that would be stereotyping. And stereotyping is wrong.

But this is not the first time that sexually explicit relics have been discovered from history. Another item strongly resembling a penis was unearthed in Germany in 2005. That one is even older — dating from 28,000 years ago — and made of stone, as well as the recent discovery of explicit drawings of cave people having sex. (WARNING: link contains graphic material).

Archeologists around the world are waiting to see what else is uncovered in the days and weeks to come, in hopes of getting a better understanding of what prehistoric life may have been like for the lonely cavewife left at home as her caveman ventures out into the dangerous wilderness risking his life just to make sure she has some decent food on the table, and only asking that in return she simply does the dishes from time-to-time, possibly gave him a break with her constant bitching after a hard day, and God-for-bid stopped having intercourse with random strangers, the neighbor, and the Stegosaurus down the street. I'm just saying.

Click here for the original article