UnReel Headline: Captain Planet in Critical Condition

Recent reports say that Captain Planet was rushed into a hospital late last night, and is now in critical condition. Sources close to Mr. Planet say that he has been suffering from an extreme case of skin cancer, giving him the bluish appearance that he's been known for in the past.

A doctor, who remains anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject, was quoted as saying that it was only a matter of time before something bad happened to the pollution fighting hero.

"I find it completely impossible to feel sorry for someone who constantly rolls around in pollution and radio active sludge. It seems more of a common sense type situation if you ask me, but what the hell do I know, I'm just a fucking medical doctor..." he finished.

This development comes just weeks after the death of Ma-Ti, the last of the Planeteers, from his long-time battle with AIDS. Known best for his power to use Heart to instill caring, passion, and sympathy into the people of the world to care for the planet. After the planeteers seperated, he found himself using it for more personal and sexual needs, frequenting gay bars, drag-queen hangouts, and male strip clubs under an assumed identity, where he used his power to bend the will of others to participate in homosexual activity.

Before the death of Ma-Ti came the tragic death of Gi, the self-proclaimed marine biologist whose compassion for sea life contributed to the overall effort of the Planeteers' protection of animals, when, ironically, she accidentally drown herself in a roadside puddle. Sad.

Yet the death of Gi went almost completely unnoticed and almost overshadowed by the previous death of Linka, who gave up her power of wind to pursue her childhood dream of being a man. Until recently, it was thought that Linka, or Larry as her name was changed to after the gender relocation surgery, retired to the mountains of eastern Europe, but it was later discovered that using another false name Larry became the widely known Heath Ledger....(to soon?)

Before Linka / Larry / Heath Ledger, came the untimely death of Kwame, who during a visit to Afghanistan where he intended to use his power of earth to help "move mountains" for peace, was captured by Al-Queda, where he was  beaten and tortured, before escaping only to be killed in a US drone attack. (does that count as irony...?)

And the first of the Planeteers to pass on was Wheeler, the American with the power of Fire, who oddly enough was killed when an escaped monkey allegedly on self-administered cocaine escaped a local intervention during a rampage, and ripped his face off and threw poo at him, stole his ring with the power of fire, which it subsequently used to burn him and the guests and it's intervention.

And what is to be learned from all of this? Fighting pollution gets you killed. The End.

Friday Fail: Macho Man

Just watch all the way through! Definitely worth it! And don't forget to make sure sound is on!

The Celeb Rundown: Rip Torn from Top to Bottom

Evidently to make it anywhere in Hollywood, you have to be completely coke-monkey crazy. Rip Torn, (Men in Black) was recently picked up on numerous charges linked to his recent attempt to break into a bank after business hours completely wasted with a loaded handgun.

This event comes just in time to answer the nagging question of how this complete nut bag would be able to top his previous law entanglement, where he was arrested for drunkenly barreling down the street with a Christmas Tree carelessly strapped to the top of his car, to which he pleaded not guilty.

Wait, what? Not guilty, you say? I feel like the specific details kind of make it hard to refute! Must have just been racial profiling. I got completely wasted last year around Christmas and went out drunk driving, hitting numerous carolers and bright eyed children with sugar plumbs in their head, but I had a maple tree strapped to my hood, so they didn't stop me. Damn the man! Always tryin' to hold a pine tree down!

But for some reason, no matter what this man does, it's so hard to feel bad for him. There's just something about him that screams fun uncle that takes you to your first strip club and lets you have your first beer, and teaches you all about the birds and bees, and something about hookers, and the next thing you know you're handcuffed to a park bench with an apple in your mouth while a strange old man shakes an over-sized rubber fist at your anus...but I digress.

Did I mention he's bat-shit crazy?

Crappy Movie: The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String

The Lord of the G-Strings:

The Femaleship of the String

I begin this review by simply stating: "classic". A must see! Not a hardcore pornography movie at all, this horribly acted adventure follows a young and lustful Throbbit, classically named Dildo Saggins (played by Misty Mundae) who has been entrusted with the task of destroying the all-powerful G-String that can grant its possessor untold powers.

 I'll be honest, I have seen this movie a couple times, and I would recommend it for nothing else than its comedic value!

With such memorable characters as the drunk wizard Smirnoff with unforgettable lines such as, "Have you ever played pull the taffy with an old man?" while fighting to complete the line despite burps and the occasional in mouth vomiting, to Dildo herself, "I don't know, Smirnof. I'm not noble... or pure. I've stuck up liquor stores. I piss in the shower!"

This has the best of most parody movies, but takes it a level higher by providing nudity and sexual situations!

Check out a sneak preview here:

This movie is classic! Ignore the bad reviews! It looks as if it was filmed with a hand held camera, the acting is horrible, the story is lame at best, and the nudity is nowhere close to enough, but it makes up....well, its great because of all the things that I just listed!

Government Report: Monkey Junky

Monkeys React to Cocaine Use

According to a recent report released by Republicans John McCain (Arizona) and Tom Coburn (Oklahoma), the Obama administration recently rewarded a stimulus of $144,541 to the University of Wake Forest to research the effects of how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine.

Off the record, McCain referenced his previous experience of dealing with a coked up monkey on every previous visit to the oval office during the entire span of the Bush Administration. Unfortunately the only "official report" of that experiment was any time that the previous President spoke.

The Wake Forest research project, titled “Effect of Cocaine Self-Administration on Metabotropic Glutamate Systems,” would have the monkeys self-administer the drugs while researchers monitor and study their glutamate levels.

What wasn't publicized was the effects that the cocaine had on the monkeys after their release from the clinical trials. Fortunately, UnReel News received an update on a specimen simply known as "Candy".

After being released back into the wild, Candy immediately struggled to get her life back to normal. Her first priority was to get a job, which proved very difficult in today's economy. But after much searching in the paper, she finally arranged an interview at a local call center.

As she awaited the day to interview, she found the urge to use cocaine overwhelming, but according to the Wake Forest project members, that was to be expected.

To assure she wouldn't use, she soon found herself throwing her body into the arms of a stranger she met on MySpace. Although she knew the relationship would never work, she did her best to over look their obvious differences.

But alas, the relationship failed. When later asked why he decided to leave, the unnamed bird was quoted as saying "SQUAAAAAK!" then flew away and pooped on my car.

Although no official reason was given, friends close to the relationship say that Candy had begun using again, and dismissed any rumors that it had anything to do with their racial differences...and by racial differences, we mean that he was a fucking bird, and she was a coked out monkey.

After he left, Candy began to heavily abuse cocaine. She completely failed her interview at the call center by appearing completely nude, and eventually found herself at her lowest point EVER, jailed with Lindsey Lohan.

After her release, Candy soon found herself on the corner prostituting her body for money just to support her cocaine habit. But her talent wouldn't go unnoticed. One of her repeat clients, a porn director named Mike "Man Balls" Laye decided to put her talents to use in the adult film industry.

Starring in such films as "Show me the Monkey", "Planet of the Anus", and over 200 other adult films, Candy quickly rose to the top of the Porn industry, starring in films with both Big Balls Laye, her manager and boyfriend, and the top male performer, star of the infamous Rump Raiders Series, Zach "Butt Bender" Cash. But her fame would be short lived, being ruined once again by cocaine.

Zach "Butt Bender" Cash

Mike "Man Balls" Laye and Candy

In a cocaine induced rage, Candy had a complete meltdown on set, throwing her own poo around the set, hitting several of the other actors, as well as completely caking many of the crew members.

Finally tired of her uncontrollable temper,  Man Balls Laye had her escorted from the studio and once again arrested.

Although he harbors no ill will against his long time girlfriend, Mike "Man Balls" Laye says that he wishes her the best, hopes she gets the help she needs, and has recently released the uncensored poo flinging video under the title, "Poo Wars: Dirty Monkey Sex" and has made a major profit, having enough to sign the elusive Patty Mayonnaise, of former Nickelodeon fame on the show "Doug".

As for Candy, her family and close friends have recently attempted an intervention, which ultimately failed when she went "Bat Shit Crazy" ripping off their faces, pooping on their bodies, and then setting them on fire. After all, at the end of the day, she's still a fucking coke-addicted monkey. I mean seriously, are you surprised?

UnReel Headline: Doug Funnie Wanted for Terrorist Ties

Television star Doug Funnie is now wanted in questioning for possible links to Al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations. Although no actual evidence has surfaced, his loyalty to America was recently brought into question when government officials were notified by two facebook members, Zack Emery and Zack Cash,  about the unusual size of his nose.

Zack Cash (R) and Zack Emery (L) pictured at a Deer Orgy

"I first realized there was something up when a friend made a picture of Doug his profile picture as a joke. It immediately dawned on me that something was not right with the picture." Zack Cash was quoted as saying.  "I mean I'm no professional  at stereotyping people based on their physical appearance, so I automatically assumed he was just a Jew, until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that both African Americans as well as Arabs are both known for their unusual nose size. If he wasn't a Jew himself, I wouldn't have believed him!" Cash concluded.

When asked for more detail about how he came to this conclusion, Zack Emery quickly responded, "I'm a Jew. Jew Jew Jew, Hanika, Minora, money money money," and other typical Jew lingo.

Government rendering of Doug as a terrorist

Although absolutely no evidence of any ties to any terrorist organization has been recovered, many Republicans defend the accusations.

Former Aid to the Bush Administration, George Washington Palin McCain Jefferson was quoted as saying,

"I mean do you need any more evidence? Have you seen this guy's nose? I mean at first I thought he was just a harmless Jew, until these guys pointed out that other people have big noses! I mean terrorists have big noses, so he must be a terrorist!"

With that piece of damning evidence, the United States Government immediately began to take the terrorist threat seriously and a massive man hunt for Doug Funnie has begun to spread across the country.

*** UPDATE ***

A recent video has surfaced from alleged terrorist Doug Funnie, now known as Doug Muhammad  Ali Osama Bin Funnie. Although the government has refused to release the video, they are quoted as saying that he has admitted that he was not, at first, attached to any terror organizations, but was forced into surface when the United States government gave him no choice by labeling him a suspect.

Friends of Bin Funnie have said that they are not shocked by the recent turn of events. Close friend Pork Chop was recently quoted as saying,

"Ever since Patty Mayonnaise spiraled into drugs and the adult film industry, he's never been the same. I expected some major break down, but to be honest I thought he would be a homosexual before he would become a terrorist. But I guess terrorism isn't his worst choice, he could have become a Republican and destroyed America from the inside out!" 

Initial government reports say that he was recruited by long time friend Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine and joined the ranks of Al-Qaeda as an entry level member in charge of distribution of terrorist advertisements (seen below).

With such a positive response to his first pamphlet,  he was promoted to Al-Qaeda Hiring Manager, where he came up with new and creative recruiting tactics, such as all male terror singing group, The Baghdad  Boys with their number one hit, "My Love is exploding, killing many innocent people, but at least one...possibly two infidels", the terrorist rapper Da Camel Man with his top hit, "I've got 99 virgins, but an Infidel ain't one." Both of these musical artists brought terrorism to the youth making it seem cool.

U.S. government officials have responded with, 

"Dude, we've been trying to make joining our military cool for years! I hate to admit it, but I even have Camel Man's new record."

Although Bin Funnie's whereabouts are currently unknown, top U.S. officials have been quoted as saying, 

"We always get our man...well, most of the time anyway...except for the Bin Waddle guy or whatever..."

More on this story as it develops.