Recent reports say that Captain Planet was rushed into a hospital late last night, and is now in critical condition. Sources close to Mr. Planet say that he has been suffering from an extreme case of skin cancer, giving him the bluish appearance that he's been known for in the past.
A doctor, who remains anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject, was quoted as saying that it was only a matter of time before something bad happened to the pollution fighting hero.
"I find it completely impossible to feel sorry for someone who constantly rolls around in pollution and radio active sludge. It seems more of a common sense type situation if you ask me, but what the hell do I know, I'm just a fucking medical doctor..." he finished.
This development comes just weeks after the death of Ma-Ti, the last of the Planeteers, from his long-time battle with AIDS. Known best for his power to use Heart to instill caring, passion, and sympathy into the people of the world to care for the planet. After the planeteers seperated, he found himself using it for more personal and sexual needs, frequenting gay bars, drag-queen hangouts, and male strip clubs under an assumed identity, where he used his power to bend the will of others to participate in homosexual activity.
Before the death of Ma-Ti came the tragic death of Gi, the self-proclaimed marine biologist whose compassion for sea life contributed to the overall effort of the Planeteers' protection of animals, when, ironically, she accidentally drown herself in a roadside puddle. Sad.
Yet the death of Gi went almost completely unnoticed and almost overshadowed by the previous death of Linka, who gave up her power of wind to pursue her childhood dream of being a man. Until recently, it was thought that Linka, or Larry as her name was changed to after the gender relocation surgery, retired to the mountains of eastern Europe, but it was later discovered that using another false name Larry became the widely known Heath Ledger....(to soon?)
Before Linka / Larry / Heath Ledger, came the untimely death of Kwame, who during a visit to Afghanistan where he intended to use his power of earth to help "move mountains" for peace, was captured by Al-Queda, where he was beaten and tortured, before escaping only to be killed in a US drone attack. (does that count as irony...?)
And the first of the Planeteers to pass on was Wheeler, the American with the power of Fire, who oddly enough was killed when an escaped monkey allegedly on self-administered cocaine escaped a local intervention during a rampage, and ripped his face off and threw poo at him, stole his ring with the power of fire, which it subsequently used to burn him and the guests and it's intervention.
And what is to be learned from all of this? Fighting pollution gets you killed. The End.
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