Government Report: Monkey Junky

Monkeys React to Cocaine Use

According to a recent report released by Republicans John McCain (Arizona) and Tom Coburn (Oklahoma), the Obama administration recently rewarded a stimulus of $144,541 to the University of Wake Forest to research the effects of how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine.

Off the record, McCain referenced his previous experience of dealing with a coked up monkey on every previous visit to the oval office during the entire span of the Bush Administration. Unfortunately the only "official report" of that experiment was any time that the previous President spoke.

The Wake Forest research project, titled “Effect of Cocaine Self-Administration on Metabotropic Glutamate Systems,” would have the monkeys self-administer the drugs while researchers monitor and study their glutamate levels.

What wasn't publicized was the effects that the cocaine had on the monkeys after their release from the clinical trials. Fortunately, UnReel News received an update on a specimen simply known as "Candy".

After being released back into the wild, Candy immediately struggled to get her life back to normal. Her first priority was to get a job, which proved very difficult in today's economy. But after much searching in the paper, she finally arranged an interview at a local call center.

As she awaited the day to interview, she found the urge to use cocaine overwhelming, but according to the Wake Forest project members, that was to be expected.

To assure she wouldn't use, she soon found herself throwing her body into the arms of a stranger she met on MySpace. Although she knew the relationship would never work, she did her best to over look their obvious differences.

But alas, the relationship failed. When later asked why he decided to leave, the unnamed bird was quoted as saying "SQUAAAAAK!" then flew away and pooped on my car.

Although no official reason was given, friends close to the relationship say that Candy had begun using again, and dismissed any rumors that it had anything to do with their racial differences...and by racial differences, we mean that he was a fucking bird, and she was a coked out monkey.

After he left, Candy began to heavily abuse cocaine. She completely failed her interview at the call center by appearing completely nude, and eventually found herself at her lowest point EVER, jailed with Lindsey Lohan.

After her release, Candy soon found herself on the corner prostituting her body for money just to support her cocaine habit. But her talent wouldn't go unnoticed. One of her repeat clients, a porn director named Mike "Man Balls" Laye decided to put her talents to use in the adult film industry.

Starring in such films as "Show me the Monkey", "Planet of the Anus", and over 200 other adult films, Candy quickly rose to the top of the Porn industry, starring in films with both Big Balls Laye, her manager and boyfriend, and the top male performer, star of the infamous Rump Raiders Series, Zach "Butt Bender" Cash. But her fame would be short lived, being ruined once again by cocaine.

Zach "Butt Bender" Cash

Mike "Man Balls" Laye and Candy

In a cocaine induced rage, Candy had a complete meltdown on set, throwing her own poo around the set, hitting several of the other actors, as well as completely caking many of the crew members.

Finally tired of her uncontrollable temper,  Man Balls Laye had her escorted from the studio and once again arrested.

Although he harbors no ill will against his long time girlfriend, Mike "Man Balls" Laye says that he wishes her the best, hopes she gets the help she needs, and has recently released the uncensored poo flinging video under the title, "Poo Wars: Dirty Monkey Sex" and has made a major profit, having enough to sign the elusive Patty Mayonnaise, of former Nickelodeon fame on the show "Doug".

As for Candy, her family and close friends have recently attempted an intervention, which ultimately failed when she went "Bat Shit Crazy" ripping off their faces, pooping on their bodies, and then setting them on fire. After all, at the end of the day, she's still a fucking coke-addicted monkey. I mean seriously, are you surprised?