The Weekly Holiday: Inventor's Month!!!

In celebration of Inventor's month, I've decided to come up with a few inventions that could hypothetically solve a few of the world's problems!

 RObama

That's right! A robot Obama! Can you imagine how often that would come in handy? Whether it's trying to cut in line at the bank, get free food, or the uncanny ability to make remarkable promises and not fill them, the RObama is the perfect buy! And you don't even need a birth cert...errr...license to use it!

The Anti-Terrorism Device

With the constant threat of terrorism constantly looming, this device would not only offer defense, but also peace of mind! How does it work? I'm glad you asked! It's simple! It's simple advertising and marketing! We simply place fliers that replace the widely accepted "72 Virgins" concept with "72 reruns of Jersey Shores". Not only will self-sacrificing terrorists completely cease to exist, but the scientific breakthrough for eternal life would be available within days!

STK 500i

People buy stupid shit, simply because of the hype, or a cool name, or even because advertising tells them to (example: bottled water). So here is the STK 500i, so I can cash in on this marketing madness! What are its uses? Anti-Theft device, back scratching, unlimited phone calls and internet uses, eternal life (as seen in the middle east during the 72 Jersey Shores Reruns campaign), Lindsey Lohan Defense Device, Anti-Cuddle after Sex Machine, and much much more!

UnReel News will be holding a contest for the best inventions by the readers! Submit your ideas now, and have it featured in an upcoming article!

Submit all ideas via email to: justjd23@yahoo.com

UnReel Update: The votes are in! Work has begun on the new .com!!!

Should UnReel News get a .com?

Results: (23 -  YES) and (1 - NO)

Thanks for everyone who came out and voted for the UnReel News website! (Even the one no vote). Luckily I make all the decisions, so I would have counted the one "No" vote if it would have become necessary, since I simply stated that we needed 20 votes to move forward...never really specified all the votes had to be "Yes". But regardless, Thanks to everyone who took the time to stop by and vote!

Will keep updates on the progress of the site!

UnReel Headline: Captain Planet in Critical Condition

Recent reports say that Captain Planet was rushed into a hospital late last night, and is now in critical condition. Sources close to Mr. Planet say that he has been suffering from an extreme case of skin cancer, giving him the bluish appearance that he's been known for in the past.

A doctor, who remains anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject, was quoted as saying that it was only a matter of time before something bad happened to the pollution fighting hero.

"I find it completely impossible to feel sorry for someone who constantly rolls around in pollution and radio active sludge. It seems more of a common sense type situation if you ask me, but what the hell do I know, I'm just a fucking medical doctor..." he finished.

This development comes just weeks after the death of Ma-Ti, the last of the Planeteers, from his long-time battle with AIDS. Known best for his power to use Heart to instill caring, passion, and sympathy into the people of the world to care for the planet. After the planeteers seperated, he found himself using it for more personal and sexual needs, frequenting gay bars, drag-queen hangouts, and male strip clubs under an assumed identity, where he used his power to bend the will of others to participate in homosexual activity.

Before the death of Ma-Ti came the tragic death of Gi, the self-proclaimed marine biologist whose compassion for sea life contributed to the overall effort of the Planeteers' protection of animals, when, ironically, she accidentally drown herself in a roadside puddle. Sad.

Yet the death of Gi went almost completely unnoticed and almost overshadowed by the previous death of Linka, who gave up her power of wind to pursue her childhood dream of being a man. Until recently, it was thought that Linka, or Larry as her name was changed to after the gender relocation surgery, retired to the mountains of eastern Europe, but it was later discovered that using another false name Larry became the widely known Heath Ledger....(to soon?)

Before Linka / Larry / Heath Ledger, came the untimely death of Kwame, who during a visit to Afghanistan where he intended to use his power of earth to help "move mountains" for peace, was captured by Al-Queda, where he was  beaten and tortured, before escaping only to be killed in a US drone attack. (does that count as irony...?)

And the first of the Planeteers to pass on was Wheeler, the American with the power of Fire, who oddly enough was killed when an escaped monkey allegedly on self-administered cocaine escaped a local intervention during a rampage, and ripped his face off and threw poo at him, stole his ring with the power of fire, which it subsequently used to burn him and the guests and it's intervention.

And what is to be learned from all of this? Fighting pollution gets you killed. The End.

Friday Fail: Macho Man

Just watch all the way through! Definitely worth it! And don't forget to make sure sound is on!

The Celeb Rundown: Rip Torn from Top to Bottom

Evidently to make it anywhere in Hollywood, you have to be completely coke-monkey crazy. Rip Torn, (Men in Black) was recently picked up on numerous charges linked to his recent attempt to break into a bank after business hours completely wasted with a loaded handgun.

This event comes just in time to answer the nagging question of how this complete nut bag would be able to top his previous law entanglement, where he was arrested for drunkenly barreling down the street with a Christmas Tree carelessly strapped to the top of his car, to which he pleaded not guilty.

Wait, what? Not guilty, you say? I feel like the specific details kind of make it hard to refute! Must have just been racial profiling. I got completely wasted last year around Christmas and went out drunk driving, hitting numerous carolers and bright eyed children with sugar plumbs in their head, but I had a maple tree strapped to my hood, so they didn't stop me. Damn the man! Always tryin' to hold a pine tree down!

But for some reason, no matter what this man does, it's so hard to feel bad for him. There's just something about him that screams fun uncle that takes you to your first strip club and lets you have your first beer, and teaches you all about the birds and bees, and something about hookers, and the next thing you know you're handcuffed to a park bench with an apple in your mouth while a strange old man shakes an over-sized rubber fist at your anus...but I digress.

Did I mention he's bat-shit crazy?

Crappy Movie: The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String

The Lord of the G-Strings:

The Femaleship of the String

I begin this review by simply stating: "classic". A must see! Not a hardcore pornography movie at all, this horribly acted adventure follows a young and lustful Throbbit, classically named Dildo Saggins (played by Misty Mundae) who has been entrusted with the task of destroying the all-powerful G-String that can grant its possessor untold powers.

 I'll be honest, I have seen this movie a couple times, and I would recommend it for nothing else than its comedic value!

With such memorable characters as the drunk wizard Smirnoff with unforgettable lines such as, "Have you ever played pull the taffy with an old man?" while fighting to complete the line despite burps and the occasional in mouth vomiting, to Dildo herself, "I don't know, Smirnof. I'm not noble... or pure. I've stuck up liquor stores. I piss in the shower!"

This has the best of most parody movies, but takes it a level higher by providing nudity and sexual situations!

Check out a sneak preview here:

This movie is classic! Ignore the bad reviews! It looks as if it was filmed with a hand held camera, the acting is horrible, the story is lame at best, and the nudity is nowhere close to enough, but it makes up....well, its great because of all the things that I just listed!

Government Report: Monkey Junky

Monkeys React to Cocaine Use

According to a recent report released by Republicans John McCain (Arizona) and Tom Coburn (Oklahoma), the Obama administration recently rewarded a stimulus of $144,541 to the University of Wake Forest to research the effects of how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine.

Off the record, McCain referenced his previous experience of dealing with a coked up monkey on every previous visit to the oval office during the entire span of the Bush Administration. Unfortunately the only "official report" of that experiment was any time that the previous President spoke.

The Wake Forest research project, titled “Effect of Cocaine Self-Administration on Metabotropic Glutamate Systems,” would have the monkeys self-administer the drugs while researchers monitor and study their glutamate levels.

What wasn't publicized was the effects that the cocaine had on the monkeys after their release from the clinical trials. Fortunately, UnReel News received an update on a specimen simply known as "Candy".

After being released back into the wild, Candy immediately struggled to get her life back to normal. Her first priority was to get a job, which proved very difficult in today's economy. But after much searching in the paper, she finally arranged an interview at a local call center.

As she awaited the day to interview, she found the urge to use cocaine overwhelming, but according to the Wake Forest project members, that was to be expected.

To assure she wouldn't use, she soon found herself throwing her body into the arms of a stranger she met on MySpace. Although she knew the relationship would never work, she did her best to over look their obvious differences.

But alas, the relationship failed. When later asked why he decided to leave, the unnamed bird was quoted as saying "SQUAAAAAK!" then flew away and pooped on my car.

Although no official reason was given, friends close to the relationship say that Candy had begun using again, and dismissed any rumors that it had anything to do with their racial differences...and by racial differences, we mean that he was a fucking bird, and she was a coked out monkey.

After he left, Candy began to heavily abuse cocaine. She completely failed her interview at the call center by appearing completely nude, and eventually found herself at her lowest point EVER, jailed with Lindsey Lohan.

After her release, Candy soon found herself on the corner prostituting her body for money just to support her cocaine habit. But her talent wouldn't go unnoticed. One of her repeat clients, a porn director named Mike "Man Balls" Laye decided to put her talents to use in the adult film industry.

Starring in such films as "Show me the Monkey", "Planet of the Anus", and over 200 other adult films, Candy quickly rose to the top of the Porn industry, starring in films with both Big Balls Laye, her manager and boyfriend, and the top male performer, star of the infamous Rump Raiders Series, Zach "Butt Bender" Cash. But her fame would be short lived, being ruined once again by cocaine.

Zach "Butt Bender" Cash

Mike "Man Balls" Laye and Candy

In a cocaine induced rage, Candy had a complete meltdown on set, throwing her own poo around the set, hitting several of the other actors, as well as completely caking many of the crew members.

Finally tired of her uncontrollable temper,  Man Balls Laye had her escorted from the studio and once again arrested.

Although he harbors no ill will against his long time girlfriend, Mike "Man Balls" Laye says that he wishes her the best, hopes she gets the help she needs, and has recently released the uncensored poo flinging video under the title, "Poo Wars: Dirty Monkey Sex" and has made a major profit, having enough to sign the elusive Patty Mayonnaise, of former Nickelodeon fame on the show "Doug".

As for Candy, her family and close friends have recently attempted an intervention, which ultimately failed when she went "Bat Shit Crazy" ripping off their faces, pooping on their bodies, and then setting them on fire. After all, at the end of the day, she's still a fucking coke-addicted monkey. I mean seriously, are you surprised?

UnReel Headline: Doug Funnie Wanted for Terrorist Ties

Television star Doug Funnie is now wanted in questioning for possible links to Al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations. Although no actual evidence has surfaced, his loyalty to America was recently brought into question when government officials were notified by two facebook members, Zack Emery and Zack Cash,  about the unusual size of his nose.

Zack Cash (R) and Zack Emery (L) pictured at a Deer Orgy

"I first realized there was something up when a friend made a picture of Doug his profile picture as a joke. It immediately dawned on me that something was not right with the picture." Zack Cash was quoted as saying.  "I mean I'm no professional  at stereotyping people based on their physical appearance, so I automatically assumed he was just a Jew, until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that both African Americans as well as Arabs are both known for their unusual nose size. If he wasn't a Jew himself, I wouldn't have believed him!" Cash concluded.

When asked for more detail about how he came to this conclusion, Zack Emery quickly responded, "I'm a Jew. Jew Jew Jew, Hanika, Minora, money money money," and other typical Jew lingo.

Government rendering of Doug as a terrorist

Although absolutely no evidence of any ties to any terrorist organization has been recovered, many Republicans defend the accusations.

Former Aid to the Bush Administration, George Washington Palin McCain Jefferson was quoted as saying,

"I mean do you need any more evidence? Have you seen this guy's nose? I mean at first I thought he was just a harmless Jew, until these guys pointed out that other people have big noses! I mean terrorists have big noses, so he must be a terrorist!"

With that piece of damning evidence, the United States Government immediately began to take the terrorist threat seriously and a massive man hunt for Doug Funnie has begun to spread across the country.

*** UPDATE ***

A recent video has surfaced from alleged terrorist Doug Funnie, now known as Doug Muhammad  Ali Osama Bin Funnie. Although the government has refused to release the video, they are quoted as saying that he has admitted that he was not, at first, attached to any terror organizations, but was forced into surface when the United States government gave him no choice by labeling him a suspect.

Friends of Bin Funnie have said that they are not shocked by the recent turn of events. Close friend Pork Chop was recently quoted as saying,

"Ever since Patty Mayonnaise spiraled into drugs and the adult film industry, he's never been the same. I expected some major break down, but to be honest I thought he would be a homosexual before he would become a terrorist. But I guess terrorism isn't his worst choice, he could have become a Republican and destroyed America from the inside out!" 

Initial government reports say that he was recruited by long time friend Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine and joined the ranks of Al-Qaeda as an entry level member in charge of distribution of terrorist advertisements (seen below).

With such a positive response to his first pamphlet,  he was promoted to Al-Qaeda Hiring Manager, where he came up with new and creative recruiting tactics, such as all male terror singing group, The Baghdad  Boys with their number one hit, "My Love is exploding, killing many innocent people, but at least one...possibly two infidels", the terrorist rapper Da Camel Man with his top hit, "I've got 99 virgins, but an Infidel ain't one." Both of these musical artists brought terrorism to the youth making it seem cool.

U.S. government officials have responded with, 

"Dude, we've been trying to make joining our military cool for years! I hate to admit it, but I even have Camel Man's new record."

Although Bin Funnie's whereabouts are currently unknown, top U.S. officials have been quoted as saying, 

"We always get our man...well, most of the time anyway...except for the Bin Waddle guy or whatever..."

More on this story as it develops.

UnReel Headline: BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer found murdered

Dora the New Savior of Mankind?

Dora on the Cross (location unknown)

An icon to children around the world, Dora the Explorer was recently found dead. Although her body was found in an alley known for gang violence, she was later relocated by hundreds of children and nailed to a cross.

Payton Andretti shitting his pants

When asked why they did what they did, two year old Payton Andretti simply replied, "Well to my generation, Dora the Explorer represents cultural diversity in America, and around the world.
Her simplistic journeys from point A to point B gather children from all walks of life, transcending gender, race, and creed. When I first saw Dora the Explorer, my first response was 'who is this bitch?' but as I continued to watch, I realized how pivotal she is in human growth and development. Now if you would excuse me, I have shit my pants."
 
The official police report has put Dora's death between 1 and 1:15am Wednesday morning. Although details have not been released as to the cause of death, and unofficial source has stated that their is evidence of rape.

When asked if there were any suspects or leads, the police refused to comment, but with the knowledge of the sexual crime, our sources have reviled that there is an active search for a person of interest.

Raper the Rapist aka Swiper Hernandez

After interviewing neighbors, and a little investigative reporting, UnReel News has uncovered this mugshot of a suspect known only as "Raper the Rapist".

Raper started out with simple swiping, but was later busted on charges of breaking and entering, prostitution and distribution of narcotics. Although he has no prior history of sexual assault, friends say that it was the logical next step.

When asked to comment on his involvement, Raper could not be reached for comment. But our calls were later returned by his attorneys, whose only comment on the subject was, "Raper no raping!"

*** UPDATE ***

A few days has passed since the death of Dora the Explorer, and now not only children are flocking to her site. Now adults and people of all ages have found themselves on pilgrimages to the site of her crucifixion. UnReel News had the opportunity to speak with Amos Botstein, a former Rabbi, turned Doranist.

Amos Botstein, Doranist

  When asked why the change in religions, he had this to say, "Well it's actually quiet simple...why the hell not? God had my people wandering around in the desert for 40 years. At least with Dora to follow we know it's always simple. Where are we going? the holy land! Where are we going? the holy land! Where are we going? And not to mention instead of these hats, I get to trade it in for my baaaack pack baaaack pack! Who wouldn't want to be a Doranist?"

More on this story as it develops.

UnReel Stories: The Jesus Monologues: Grounded To Life

So I guess I should just start with what brought me to St. Louis. After all, millions and millions of people have been awaiting my return, others having been roaming the earth looking for me, and a few people of no particular race, and who shall remain nameless, thought I would never return...or should I say hoped I would never return... cough cough the jews cough cough ...

To spare you a long story, I'll simply cut to the point. My dad, "Mr. Look at me, I'm all mighty" grounded me to earth. That's right, even the son of God gets grounded.

What does the savior of mankind have to do to get booted from the right hand of the thrown? Ah, you just had to ask, didn't you...Two words.

September....Eleventh....

Ya guys, I'll admit it. That was me! Sorry for one of the worst disasters in American History. Personally I don't really see what the big deal is! I personally think that people should just get over it and move on!

I mean seriously guys! So what! I was bored and just needed a little entertainment! So I was just sitting around and decided it would be fun...so on September 11th, 1965...when no one was around, I created the musical "artist" Moby.

I'm soooooooooooooo sorry! How was I to know that he would turn out to be so stupid!

I mean for my dad's sake, have you seen some of things that he's made?!

I mean look at that elephant kid from that one movie with Cher!

And the Devil made the entire Bush family...

and not to mention the movie "Gigli" with Ben Afleck...or ANY Ben Afleck movie for that matter...which came from...well, we're not really sure who is responsible for those pieces of shit...I'm almost positive The Roman God of Oh My God I must be completely Retarded to let Ben Afleck Movies continue to be released, is responsible of that....but I can't really be too sure.

So looks like I have a few million years to waste, so I might as well jump on the ol' Blogging Band Wagon like the rest of the cool kids.  And who knows, I think I might go out and see the town, and maybe even get a job or something...after all, do you know who my father is?!

In the mean time, I had a chance to go out to a local homosexual parade and even had a chance to meet that Albert Puljoles Guy! Having a great time in St. Louis!!!!

This is me just hangin out with Al!!!

And this is me hangin' out with Gabe and Eric, those silly bitches! lolz!