Friday Fail: Macho Man

Just watch all the way through! Definitely worth it! And don't forget to make sure sound is on!

The Celeb Rundown: Rip Torn from Top to Bottom

Evidently to make it anywhere in Hollywood, you have to be completely coke-monkey crazy. Rip Torn, (Men in Black) was recently picked up on numerous charges linked to his recent attempt to break into a bank after business hours completely wasted with a loaded handgun.

This event comes just in time to answer the nagging question of how this complete nut bag would be able to top his previous law entanglement, where he was arrested for drunkenly barreling down the street with a Christmas Tree carelessly strapped to the top of his car, to which he pleaded not guilty.

Wait, what? Not guilty, you say? I feel like the specific details kind of make it hard to refute! Must have just been racial profiling. I got completely wasted last year around Christmas and went out drunk driving, hitting numerous carolers and bright eyed children with sugar plumbs in their head, but I had a maple tree strapped to my hood, so they didn't stop me. Damn the man! Always tryin' to hold a pine tree down!

But for some reason, no matter what this man does, it's so hard to feel bad for him. There's just something about him that screams fun uncle that takes you to your first strip club and lets you have your first beer, and teaches you all about the birds and bees, and something about hookers, and the next thing you know you're handcuffed to a park bench with an apple in your mouth while a strange old man shakes an over-sized rubber fist at your anus...but I digress.

Did I mention he's bat-shit crazy?

Crappy Movie: The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String

The Lord of the G-Strings:

The Femaleship of the String

I begin this review by simply stating: "classic". A must see! Not a hardcore pornography movie at all, this horribly acted adventure follows a young and lustful Throbbit, classically named Dildo Saggins (played by Misty Mundae) who has been entrusted with the task of destroying the all-powerful G-String that can grant its possessor untold powers.

 I'll be honest, I have seen this movie a couple times, and I would recommend it for nothing else than its comedic value!

With such memorable characters as the drunk wizard Smirnoff with unforgettable lines such as, "Have you ever played pull the taffy with an old man?" while fighting to complete the line despite burps and the occasional in mouth vomiting, to Dildo herself, "I don't know, Smirnof. I'm not noble... or pure. I've stuck up liquor stores. I piss in the shower!"

This has the best of most parody movies, but takes it a level higher by providing nudity and sexual situations!

Check out a sneak preview here:

This movie is classic! Ignore the bad reviews! It looks as if it was filmed with a hand held camera, the acting is horrible, the story is lame at best, and the nudity is nowhere close to enough, but it makes up....well, its great because of all the things that I just listed!

Government Report: Monkey Junky

Monkeys React to Cocaine Use

According to a recent report released by Republicans John McCain (Arizona) and Tom Coburn (Oklahoma), the Obama administration recently rewarded a stimulus of $144,541 to the University of Wake Forest to research the effects of how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine.

Off the record, McCain referenced his previous experience of dealing with a coked up monkey on every previous visit to the oval office during the entire span of the Bush Administration. Unfortunately the only "official report" of that experiment was any time that the previous President spoke.

The Wake Forest research project, titled “Effect of Cocaine Self-Administration on Metabotropic Glutamate Systems,” would have the monkeys self-administer the drugs while researchers monitor and study their glutamate levels.

What wasn't publicized was the effects that the cocaine had on the monkeys after their release from the clinical trials. Fortunately, UnReel News received an update on a specimen simply known as "Candy".

After being released back into the wild, Candy immediately struggled to get her life back to normal. Her first priority was to get a job, which proved very difficult in today's economy. But after much searching in the paper, she finally arranged an interview at a local call center.

As she awaited the day to interview, she found the urge to use cocaine overwhelming, but according to the Wake Forest project members, that was to be expected.

To assure she wouldn't use, she soon found herself throwing her body into the arms of a stranger she met on MySpace. Although she knew the relationship would never work, she did her best to over look their obvious differences.

But alas, the relationship failed. When later asked why he decided to leave, the unnamed bird was quoted as saying "SQUAAAAAK!" then flew away and pooped on my car.

Although no official reason was given, friends close to the relationship say that Candy had begun using again, and dismissed any rumors that it had anything to do with their racial differences...and by racial differences, we mean that he was a fucking bird, and she was a coked out monkey.

After he left, Candy began to heavily abuse cocaine. She completely failed her interview at the call center by appearing completely nude, and eventually found herself at her lowest point EVER, jailed with Lindsey Lohan.

After her release, Candy soon found herself on the corner prostituting her body for money just to support her cocaine habit. But her talent wouldn't go unnoticed. One of her repeat clients, a porn director named Mike "Man Balls" Laye decided to put her talents to use in the adult film industry.

Starring in such films as "Show me the Monkey", "Planet of the Anus", and over 200 other adult films, Candy quickly rose to the top of the Porn industry, starring in films with both Big Balls Laye, her manager and boyfriend, and the top male performer, star of the infamous Rump Raiders Series, Zach "Butt Bender" Cash. But her fame would be short lived, being ruined once again by cocaine.

Zach "Butt Bender" Cash

Mike "Man Balls" Laye and Candy

In a cocaine induced rage, Candy had a complete meltdown on set, throwing her own poo around the set, hitting several of the other actors, as well as completely caking many of the crew members.

Finally tired of her uncontrollable temper,  Man Balls Laye had her escorted from the studio and once again arrested.

Although he harbors no ill will against his long time girlfriend, Mike "Man Balls" Laye says that he wishes her the best, hopes she gets the help she needs, and has recently released the uncensored poo flinging video under the title, "Poo Wars: Dirty Monkey Sex" and has made a major profit, having enough to sign the elusive Patty Mayonnaise, of former Nickelodeon fame on the show "Doug".

As for Candy, her family and close friends have recently attempted an intervention, which ultimately failed when she went "Bat Shit Crazy" ripping off their faces, pooping on their bodies, and then setting them on fire. After all, at the end of the day, she's still a fucking coke-addicted monkey. I mean seriously, are you surprised?

UnReel Headline: Doug Funnie Wanted for Terrorist Ties

Television star Doug Funnie is now wanted in questioning for possible links to Al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations. Although no actual evidence has surfaced, his loyalty to America was recently brought into question when government officials were notified by two facebook members, Zack Emery and Zack Cash,  about the unusual size of his nose.

Zack Cash (R) and Zack Emery (L) pictured at a Deer Orgy

"I first realized there was something up when a friend made a picture of Doug his profile picture as a joke. It immediately dawned on me that something was not right with the picture." Zack Cash was quoted as saying.  "I mean I'm no professional  at stereotyping people based on their physical appearance, so I automatically assumed he was just a Jew, until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that both African Americans as well as Arabs are both known for their unusual nose size. If he wasn't a Jew himself, I wouldn't have believed him!" Cash concluded.

When asked for more detail about how he came to this conclusion, Zack Emery quickly responded, "I'm a Jew. Jew Jew Jew, Hanika, Minora, money money money," and other typical Jew lingo.

Government rendering of Doug as a terrorist

Although absolutely no evidence of any ties to any terrorist organization has been recovered, many Republicans defend the accusations.

Former Aid to the Bush Administration, George Washington Palin McCain Jefferson was quoted as saying,

"I mean do you need any more evidence? Have you seen this guy's nose? I mean at first I thought he was just a harmless Jew, until these guys pointed out that other people have big noses! I mean terrorists have big noses, so he must be a terrorist!"

With that piece of damning evidence, the United States Government immediately began to take the terrorist threat seriously and a massive man hunt for Doug Funnie has begun to spread across the country.

*** UPDATE ***

A recent video has surfaced from alleged terrorist Doug Funnie, now known as Doug Muhammad  Ali Osama Bin Funnie. Although the government has refused to release the video, they are quoted as saying that he has admitted that he was not, at first, attached to any terror organizations, but was forced into surface when the United States government gave him no choice by labeling him a suspect.

Friends of Bin Funnie have said that they are not shocked by the recent turn of events. Close friend Pork Chop was recently quoted as saying,

"Ever since Patty Mayonnaise spiraled into drugs and the adult film industry, he's never been the same. I expected some major break down, but to be honest I thought he would be a homosexual before he would become a terrorist. But I guess terrorism isn't his worst choice, he could have become a Republican and destroyed America from the inside out!" 

Initial government reports say that he was recruited by long time friend Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine and joined the ranks of Al-Qaeda as an entry level member in charge of distribution of terrorist advertisements (seen below).

With such a positive response to his first pamphlet,  he was promoted to Al-Qaeda Hiring Manager, where he came up with new and creative recruiting tactics, such as all male terror singing group, The Baghdad  Boys with their number one hit, "My Love is exploding, killing many innocent people, but at least one...possibly two infidels", the terrorist rapper Da Camel Man with his top hit, "I've got 99 virgins, but an Infidel ain't one." Both of these musical artists brought terrorism to the youth making it seem cool.

U.S. government officials have responded with, 

"Dude, we've been trying to make joining our military cool for years! I hate to admit it, but I even have Camel Man's new record."

Although Bin Funnie's whereabouts are currently unknown, top U.S. officials have been quoted as saying, 

"We always get our man...well, most of the time anyway...except for the Bin Waddle guy or whatever..."

More on this story as it develops.

UnReel Headline: BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer found murdered

Dora the New Savior of Mankind?

Dora on the Cross (location unknown)

An icon to children around the world, Dora the Explorer was recently found dead. Although her body was found in an alley known for gang violence, she was later relocated by hundreds of children and nailed to a cross.

Payton Andretti shitting his pants

When asked why they did what they did, two year old Payton Andretti simply replied, "Well to my generation, Dora the Explorer represents cultural diversity in America, and around the world.
Her simplistic journeys from point A to point B gather children from all walks of life, transcending gender, race, and creed. When I first saw Dora the Explorer, my first response was 'who is this bitch?' but as I continued to watch, I realized how pivotal she is in human growth and development. Now if you would excuse me, I have shit my pants."
 
The official police report has put Dora's death between 1 and 1:15am Wednesday morning. Although details have not been released as to the cause of death, and unofficial source has stated that their is evidence of rape.

When asked if there were any suspects or leads, the police refused to comment, but with the knowledge of the sexual crime, our sources have reviled that there is an active search for a person of interest.

Raper the Rapist aka Swiper Hernandez

After interviewing neighbors, and a little investigative reporting, UnReel News has uncovered this mugshot of a suspect known only as "Raper the Rapist".

Raper started out with simple swiping, but was later busted on charges of breaking and entering, prostitution and distribution of narcotics. Although he has no prior history of sexual assault, friends say that it was the logical next step.

When asked to comment on his involvement, Raper could not be reached for comment. But our calls were later returned by his attorneys, whose only comment on the subject was, "Raper no raping!"

*** UPDATE ***

A few days has passed since the death of Dora the Explorer, and now not only children are flocking to her site. Now adults and people of all ages have found themselves on pilgrimages to the site of her crucifixion. UnReel News had the opportunity to speak with Amos Botstein, a former Rabbi, turned Doranist.

Amos Botstein, Doranist

  When asked why the change in religions, he had this to say, "Well it's actually quiet simple...why the hell not? God had my people wandering around in the desert for 40 years. At least with Dora to follow we know it's always simple. Where are we going? the holy land! Where are we going? the holy land! Where are we going? And not to mention instead of these hats, I get to trade it in for my baaaack pack baaaack pack! Who wouldn't want to be a Doranist?"

More on this story as it develops.

UnReel Stories: The Jesus Monologues: Grounded To Life

So I guess I should just start with what brought me to St. Louis. After all, millions and millions of people have been awaiting my return, others having been roaming the earth looking for me, and a few people of no particular race, and who shall remain nameless, thought I would never return...or should I say hoped I would never return... cough cough the jews cough cough ...

To spare you a long story, I'll simply cut to the point. My dad, "Mr. Look at me, I'm all mighty" grounded me to earth. That's right, even the son of God gets grounded.

What does the savior of mankind have to do to get booted from the right hand of the thrown? Ah, you just had to ask, didn't you...Two words.

September....Eleventh....

Ya guys, I'll admit it. That was me! Sorry for one of the worst disasters in American History. Personally I don't really see what the big deal is! I personally think that people should just get over it and move on!

I mean seriously guys! So what! I was bored and just needed a little entertainment! So I was just sitting around and decided it would be fun...so on September 11th, 1965...when no one was around, I created the musical "artist" Moby.

I'm soooooooooooooo sorry! How was I to know that he would turn out to be so stupid!

I mean for my dad's sake, have you seen some of things that he's made?!

I mean look at that elephant kid from that one movie with Cher!

And the Devil made the entire Bush family...

and not to mention the movie "Gigli" with Ben Afleck...or ANY Ben Afleck movie for that matter...which came from...well, we're not really sure who is responsible for those pieces of shit...I'm almost positive The Roman God of Oh My God I must be completely Retarded to let Ben Afleck Movies continue to be released, is responsible of that....but I can't really be too sure.

So looks like I have a few million years to waste, so I might as well jump on the ol' Blogging Band Wagon like the rest of the cool kids.  And who knows, I think I might go out and see the town, and maybe even get a job or something...after all, do you know who my father is?!

In the mean time, I had a chance to go out to a local homosexual parade and even had a chance to meet that Albert Puljoles Guy! Having a great time in St. Louis!!!!

This is me just hangin out with Al!!!

And this is me hangin' out with Gabe and Eric, those silly bitches! lolz!

UnReel Stories: The Muffin Monologues: Two Muffins in a Stove

...Two Muffins were sitting in a stove...

Two Muffins were sitting in a stove. The first muffin, a slightly over-weight muffin named Francis, looked over to the heavy brown stranger muffin that sat cooking beside him.

"Dude...I'm baked." He said, breaking the awkward silence. After a slight pause, the brown muffin turned slowly to face Francis.

"Did you say something?" The brown muffin replied.

Francis looked down, obviously thinking deeply before answering.

"Yes. I believe so."

"Were you talking to me?" The brown muffin asked.

Francis looked around the empty stove, in which they were the only two present. He opened his mouth to answer, but instead quickly did a 360 turn around to make sure there wasn't anyone behind him that he hadn't seen previously. After realizing that it was in fact just the two of them, he continued to answer the brown muffin.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Francis finally replied.

"Yes, I asked if you were talking to me." The brown muffin asked.

After taking another moment to think, Francis spoke, "Do you find it a little odd that we are two types of bread that are baked in small portions, shaped somewhat like small cakes or cupcakes, although we usually are not as sweet as cupcakes and generally lack frosting, sitting in a stove, and strangest of all, we are able to communicate with each other?"

The words seemed to hit the brown muffin on an intellectual level. He seemed to dwell on his existence for a moment, then suddenly looking up, he asked, "What's frosting?"

Francis, who's attention had wandered off looked up completely startled. He looked at the brown muffin, then around the stove, then back at the brown muffin, before screaming at the top of his lungs,

"AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!"

The Weekly Holiday: National Clown Week!

That's right folks, the first week in August is National Clown Week! So let's take this moment to remember some of the clowns throughout our history that have made us laugh...and cry...and cower in the corner...and ruined our childhood by pretending that they lost their puppy and offered free balloons and candy if I got into the creepy van and helped him and his friend find it...

So without further a due:

Pogo the Clown

(March 17, 1942 – May 10, 1994)

This wonderful clown brought joy to the hearts of many a children in the neighborhood, and many a hearts of children to the crawl space under his home!

Until he was arrested, he raped and murdered at least 33 young men and boys! (Balloon animals in the shape of my wiener anyone?)

But what really set Pogo apart from other clowns (besides the multiple rapes, molestations, and murders)? He created his own costumes and taught himself to do his own makeup, and even going as far as painting sharp corners at the edges of his mouth, contrary to the rounded borders that professional clowns normally employed, so as not to "frighten small children". Well what a nice and considerate clown! Not only does he care about helping children with sexual experiences, but he also doesn't want to scare them! Nothing says "Happy" like a friendly, non-child frightening, rapist murdering clown!

But let's move on, shall we?

Insane Clown Posse

Whether its entertaining their endless amount of fans in trailer parks around the world with horrible song concepts and meaninglessness lyrics that contain no breath control, horrible delivery, no presence, and little to no alliteration and pathetic rhymes or just simply being completely retarded, even gay clowns deserve a little attention during national clown week!

So here it is. Happy National Clown Week, you stupid waste of airwaves! Happy National Clown Week.

Klownzilla

And less we forget, the wonderful Klownzilla and his group of killer clowns from the 1988 American comedy horror movie, Killer Klowns from Outer Space. 

Nothing says "good time" like sadistic aliens resembling clowns descending from space in a circus tent spaceship to harvest the human race as sustenance armed with killer shadow puppets, bloodhound-like balloon animals and a ray gun that looks like a child's toy!

So next time you feel just a little creeped out about the local neighborhood clown, just remember, could be worse!

Rants & Raves: Equal Rights: I'm not close minded, I hate EVERYONE EQUALLY

Equal Rights: The concept that every person is to be treated equally by the law

***  I understand that this is a touchy subject, and I would like to say that I will tread lightly, but this would be a lie. So before I begin on this rant, I must apologize for not apologizing. If you are offended by this post, than you are supposed to be. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am NOT racist, nor sexist, and am actually extremely liberal and very open minded. Too many people notice this, yet no one seems to say anything, so I figure this needs to be said. ***

  I will start with homosexuality, since this is a big one in the news right now.

I am all for same sex marriage. Love is love, and has absolutely no criteria. You love someone for who they are on the inside and not the outside, and love should never be defined nor restricted by appearance, whether it be a scar on their face, a receding hairline, overweight, or even having the same junk as you do in their pants.

But I digress, this is not the point of this post. It's actually about equal rights...or the lack there of in America. Like I said previously, I completely agree with equality and same-sex relationships, but what I DON'T agree with the concept that is Gay Pride. If you want to be equal, than stop making yourself stand apart. I don't care if you paint "Gay & Proud" on your back then walk topless down the street. Doesn't bother me at all. Married people wear rings on their finger or T-shirts that say "Just Married" and even paint it on their car. Same concept essentially. A man and woman can kiss in public. A man and a man can kiss in public. And yes, even a woman and a woman can kiss and public, and even some necking if they want. But for the love of God, if people get offended...don't automatically assume that it's because you are gay. Yes, the anti-homosexuals are still out there, lurking, waiting to jump out with a gay hate sign, but this is a new generation that for the most part is very open, give for the uptight rednecks and conservatives who fear change. But how about before assuming it's because you're gay, maybe it's because you should stop flaunting your personal moments in a public place. I have just as much a problem with a straight couple making out in public than a same sex couple. It's not about gender. Its about keeping your private stuff private.

It doesn't matter who you are. You could be completely awesome Tito Ortiz and completely hot porn star Jenna Jameson...still disgusting, still inappropriate in public.

The point I'm trying to make is this: You don't see different sex couples walking around with shirts that say: "Straight and Proud". We don't have a parade celebrating our straightness. We don't have straight colors or straight shapes. If you want equality, than act like it.

And this isn't just aimed as homosexuals. It applies to EVERYONE! I saw a black women in Wal-Mart the other day with a shirt that said: "My Prez is Black". I understand that this is a proud moment in both black history and American history. We have come a long way, and yes we have even farther to go from here. I voted for Obama. I was so excited to see that we finally brought someone into office, not because of their race, but for their beliefs, and their promise for change. But once again, if you want to be treated equally, act like it. Take the equal treatment, both good and bad. You should not be able to choose when equality applies. If a white man wears a shirt that says "My president is white" It's racist! Why the hell does it matter what color anyone is?! There is no white history month! There is no college that only lets in whites! There are no college funds JUST for the white kids! And the same thing applies to women!

I am ALL for progression in equality, but how is it equal that when a white man applies for a job, a women or a black man has to be considered first? What ever happened to just deciding on qualifications?

I'm just so tired of people using race, gender, or sexual preference as a crutch or an excuse. You can fight for equality, you know, the idea that everyone is created equal, but don't complain for being treated different when you yourself have things just for you.

No one cares if you're proud to be a woman. No one cares that you're proud to be black, asian, or middle eastern. If you want the world to treat you equally, start by treating yourself equally. Change begins with you. If you are going to be proud of something, be proud to make a difference. Be proud that race or gender or sexuality means absolutely nothing. Because if you flaunt gay pride, black power, or even white power, you are just as guilty and close minded as the people you are fighting against.

And I will end this rant with two things. First a quote that many have heard, yet some have misunderstood:

"And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

And also this beautiful moment: