UnReel Headline: Where the F* Was Under Dog?

The world is changing, and need I say, not for the better. Around the world violence is breaking out, civilization is engulfed in poverty, governments thrive by their own greed, and corporate advertisement not only controls us, but defines us.

The headlines are riddled with evidence of our own destruction: Tom DeLay to serve three years in prison for his role in a scheme to illegally funnel corporate money, Wife of White House Adviser Found Dead in Burning Car, and the more recent The cloudy image of the gunman in Saturday's horrific shooting in Tucson is starting to come into focus.

But throughout all of the negative media, starving children in third world countries, and constant threats of terrorism, one question stands out above the rest.

Where the fuck was Under Dog?

I mean yes, there are plenty of other superheroes, but lets be honest with ourselves...Spiderman is still recovering from the 9/11 tragedy, I'm pretty sure that Superman is dead, that green hornet is busy being gay with Seth Rogen, and Batman is still struggling to figure out how the hell he went from looking like George Clooney to Christian Bale.

Which once again leaves us with the dopey K9 crusader, Under Dog.

UnReel News recently had a chance to sit down and speak with a close friend of Under Dog who wishes to remain anonymous, who assured us that Under Dog was fighting personal demons of his own. Yet recent photographs tell a completely different story...

Awesome. The world is in complete chaos, and our one and only chance at redemption is too busy humping legs, sniffing butt-holes, and eating dog poo.

Some animal rights activists may say we are each guilty of the direction our world is taking...but I beg to differ.

I recycled once, I told that homeless veteran dressed like Santa in front of Wal-Mart that I appreciate his service to this country, I told my Jewish friend that I believed he will go to Heaven when he dies even though that's a lie, I even told a girl I was talking to on Facebook that I totally agree that women should have equal rights and belong in the workplace instead of being at home cooking me some pie.

The point I'm trying to make is, we all have sacrifices to make. So while we each do our part, Under Dog sits aside licking his own private areas....

So every time you hear of a world tragedy, anytime you see death and destruction in the news, ask yourself: What have I done to help? And more importantly...Where the fuck was Under Dog?

Rants & Raves: The World is 'A Changin'...SadFace...

A recent trend on Facebook asking members to change their profile pictures to that of childhood cartoons has really got me thinking how far the world has come. Back to a time when "sexting" was replaced with a good 'ol following to the empty parking lot at work, hitting you with something and having you way...er...Polaroids...to a time when making whoopy in an airplane bathroom was a good time...and the thought that just walking through the gates to a complete strip down, body scan, and a little foreplay by TSA officials was absurd.

Sigh. Where has happened to the world?

So I digress back to a day when terrorists were home grown, mailing powdery stuff to politicians...who in turn thought it was their daily drug delivery....back when politicians ran the economy in to the ground...back when everything cost to much and no one made enough...when Catholic priests...

...Oh wait...ok not much has changed...

Government Report: Pull Out! Pull Out!

US Troops Pull Out "Too Soon"

According to Iraq's top army officer, US troops are pulling out too soon. Source 

But fatherless children and single mother prostitutes around the world beg to differ.

An unnamed intelligence officer who declined to be named because he was not authorized to speak on the subject told UnReel News that, "If that was true, I wouldn't be paying all this child support to that skank I hooked up with back on shore leave...and not to mention all the unprotected sex with the Asian hookers, Saigon whores, and Filipino women I could have sworn were men..."

Luckily, most of the young bastard children have already been put to work in sweat shops and on the corner, assuring that they take the roll of their missing fathers, and get started in a career early in life, not letting the absence of a father they have never met hinder their aspirations.

***UPDATE***

A couple points have recently been brought to my attention. First, apparently "sweat shops" are not a friendly place where people gather to make my black hooded sweatshirt, "working the corner" is apparently not a place where young aspiring children hoping to break into the business career by selling newspapers, but in fact child prostitution, and most shockingly, the article was evidently about US forces pulling out of Iraq, and has nothing to do with the military spreading its seed to unknown women around the world.

In response, UnReel News apologizes for the confusion, and our official stance is "well...this is awkward..."

When asked about the updated information, the same intelligence officer quoted above, simply said,

"We've been fuckin' the middle east for years...I'm shocked we had the decency to pull out...least I can say for all the prostitutes I knocked up in my relatively short career..."

The Weekly Holiday: Inventor's Month!!!

In celebration of Inventor's month, I've decided to come up with a few inventions that could hypothetically solve a few of the world's problems!

 RObama

That's right! A robot Obama! Can you imagine how often that would come in handy? Whether it's trying to cut in line at the bank, get free food, or the uncanny ability to make remarkable promises and not fill them, the RObama is the perfect buy! And you don't even need a birth cert...errr...license to use it!

The Anti-Terrorism Device

With the constant threat of terrorism constantly looming, this device would not only offer defense, but also peace of mind! How does it work? I'm glad you asked! It's simple! It's simple advertising and marketing! We simply place fliers that replace the widely accepted "72 Virgins" concept with "72 reruns of Jersey Shores". Not only will self-sacrificing terrorists completely cease to exist, but the scientific breakthrough for eternal life would be available within days!

STK 500i

People buy stupid shit, simply because of the hype, or a cool name, or even because advertising tells them to (example: bottled water). So here is the STK 500i, so I can cash in on this marketing madness! What are its uses? Anti-Theft device, back scratching, unlimited phone calls and internet uses, eternal life (as seen in the middle east during the 72 Jersey Shores Reruns campaign), Lindsey Lohan Defense Device, Anti-Cuddle after Sex Machine, and much much more!

UnReel News will be holding a contest for the best inventions by the readers! Submit your ideas now, and have it featured in an upcoming article!

Submit all ideas via email to: justjd23@yahoo.com

UnReel Update: The votes are in! Work has begun on the new .com!!!

Should UnReel News get a .com?

Results: (23 -  YES) and (1 - NO)

Thanks for everyone who came out and voted for the UnReel News website! (Even the one no vote). Luckily I make all the decisions, so I would have counted the one "No" vote if it would have become necessary, since I simply stated that we needed 20 votes to move forward...never really specified all the votes had to be "Yes". But regardless, Thanks to everyone who took the time to stop by and vote!

Will keep updates on the progress of the site!

UnReel Headline: Captain Planet in Critical Condition

Recent reports say that Captain Planet was rushed into a hospital late last night, and is now in critical condition. Sources close to Mr. Planet say that he has been suffering from an extreme case of skin cancer, giving him the bluish appearance that he's been known for in the past.

A doctor, who remains anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject, was quoted as saying that it was only a matter of time before something bad happened to the pollution fighting hero.

"I find it completely impossible to feel sorry for someone who constantly rolls around in pollution and radio active sludge. It seems more of a common sense type situation if you ask me, but what the hell do I know, I'm just a fucking medical doctor..." he finished.

This development comes just weeks after the death of Ma-Ti, the last of the Planeteers, from his long-time battle with AIDS. Known best for his power to use Heart to instill caring, passion, and sympathy into the people of the world to care for the planet. After the planeteers seperated, he found himself using it for more personal and sexual needs, frequenting gay bars, drag-queen hangouts, and male strip clubs under an assumed identity, where he used his power to bend the will of others to participate in homosexual activity.

Before the death of Ma-Ti came the tragic death of Gi, the self-proclaimed marine biologist whose compassion for sea life contributed to the overall effort of the Planeteers' protection of animals, when, ironically, she accidentally drown herself in a roadside puddle. Sad.

Yet the death of Gi went almost completely unnoticed and almost overshadowed by the previous death of Linka, who gave up her power of wind to pursue her childhood dream of being a man. Until recently, it was thought that Linka, or Larry as her name was changed to after the gender relocation surgery, retired to the mountains of eastern Europe, but it was later discovered that using another false name Larry became the widely known Heath Ledger....(to soon?)

Before Linka / Larry / Heath Ledger, came the untimely death of Kwame, who during a visit to Afghanistan where he intended to use his power of earth to help "move mountains" for peace, was captured by Al-Queda, where he was  beaten and tortured, before escaping only to be killed in a US drone attack. (does that count as irony...?)

And the first of the Planeteers to pass on was Wheeler, the American with the power of Fire, who oddly enough was killed when an escaped monkey allegedly on self-administered cocaine escaped a local intervention during a rampage, and ripped his face off and threw poo at him, stole his ring with the power of fire, which it subsequently used to burn him and the guests and it's intervention.

And what is to be learned from all of this? Fighting pollution gets you killed. The End.

Friday Fail: Macho Man

Just watch all the way through! Definitely worth it! And don't forget to make sure sound is on!

The Celeb Rundown: Rip Torn from Top to Bottom

Evidently to make it anywhere in Hollywood, you have to be completely coke-monkey crazy. Rip Torn, (Men in Black) was recently picked up on numerous charges linked to his recent attempt to break into a bank after business hours completely wasted with a loaded handgun.

This event comes just in time to answer the nagging question of how this complete nut bag would be able to top his previous law entanglement, where he was arrested for drunkenly barreling down the street with a Christmas Tree carelessly strapped to the top of his car, to which he pleaded not guilty.

Wait, what? Not guilty, you say? I feel like the specific details kind of make it hard to refute! Must have just been racial profiling. I got completely wasted last year around Christmas and went out drunk driving, hitting numerous carolers and bright eyed children with sugar plumbs in their head, but I had a maple tree strapped to my hood, so they didn't stop me. Damn the man! Always tryin' to hold a pine tree down!

But for some reason, no matter what this man does, it's so hard to feel bad for him. There's just something about him that screams fun uncle that takes you to your first strip club and lets you have your first beer, and teaches you all about the birds and bees, and something about hookers, and the next thing you know you're handcuffed to a park bench with an apple in your mouth while a strange old man shakes an over-sized rubber fist at your anus...but I digress.

Did I mention he's bat-shit crazy?

Crappy Movie: The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String

The Lord of the G-Strings:

The Femaleship of the String

I begin this review by simply stating: "classic". A must see! Not a hardcore pornography movie at all, this horribly acted adventure follows a young and lustful Throbbit, classically named Dildo Saggins (played by Misty Mundae) who has been entrusted with the task of destroying the all-powerful G-String that can grant its possessor untold powers.

 I'll be honest, I have seen this movie a couple times, and I would recommend it for nothing else than its comedic value!

With such memorable characters as the drunk wizard Smirnoff with unforgettable lines such as, "Have you ever played pull the taffy with an old man?" while fighting to complete the line despite burps and the occasional in mouth vomiting, to Dildo herself, "I don't know, Smirnof. I'm not noble... or pure. I've stuck up liquor stores. I piss in the shower!"

This has the best of most parody movies, but takes it a level higher by providing nudity and sexual situations!

Check out a sneak preview here:

This movie is classic! Ignore the bad reviews! It looks as if it was filmed with a hand held camera, the acting is horrible, the story is lame at best, and the nudity is nowhere close to enough, but it makes up....well, its great because of all the things that I just listed!

Government Report: Monkey Junky

Monkeys React to Cocaine Use

According to a recent report released by Republicans John McCain (Arizona) and Tom Coburn (Oklahoma), the Obama administration recently rewarded a stimulus of $144,541 to the University of Wake Forest to research the effects of how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine.

Off the record, McCain referenced his previous experience of dealing with a coked up monkey on every previous visit to the oval office during the entire span of the Bush Administration. Unfortunately the only "official report" of that experiment was any time that the previous President spoke.

The Wake Forest research project, titled “Effect of Cocaine Self-Administration on Metabotropic Glutamate Systems,” would have the monkeys self-administer the drugs while researchers monitor and study their glutamate levels.

What wasn't publicized was the effects that the cocaine had on the monkeys after their release from the clinical trials. Fortunately, UnReel News received an update on a specimen simply known as "Candy".

After being released back into the wild, Candy immediately struggled to get her life back to normal. Her first priority was to get a job, which proved very difficult in today's economy. But after much searching in the paper, she finally arranged an interview at a local call center.

As she awaited the day to interview, she found the urge to use cocaine overwhelming, but according to the Wake Forest project members, that was to be expected.

To assure she wouldn't use, she soon found herself throwing her body into the arms of a stranger she met on MySpace. Although she knew the relationship would never work, she did her best to over look their obvious differences.

But alas, the relationship failed. When later asked why he decided to leave, the unnamed bird was quoted as saying "SQUAAAAAK!" then flew away and pooped on my car.

Although no official reason was given, friends close to the relationship say that Candy had begun using again, and dismissed any rumors that it had anything to do with their racial differences...and by racial differences, we mean that he was a fucking bird, and she was a coked out monkey.

After he left, Candy began to heavily abuse cocaine. She completely failed her interview at the call center by appearing completely nude, and eventually found herself at her lowest point EVER, jailed with Lindsey Lohan.

After her release, Candy soon found herself on the corner prostituting her body for money just to support her cocaine habit. But her talent wouldn't go unnoticed. One of her repeat clients, a porn director named Mike "Man Balls" Laye decided to put her talents to use in the adult film industry.

Starring in such films as "Show me the Monkey", "Planet of the Anus", and over 200 other adult films, Candy quickly rose to the top of the Porn industry, starring in films with both Big Balls Laye, her manager and boyfriend, and the top male performer, star of the infamous Rump Raiders Series, Zach "Butt Bender" Cash. But her fame would be short lived, being ruined once again by cocaine.

Zach "Butt Bender" Cash

Mike "Man Balls" Laye and Candy

In a cocaine induced rage, Candy had a complete meltdown on set, throwing her own poo around the set, hitting several of the other actors, as well as completely caking many of the crew members.

Finally tired of her uncontrollable temper,  Man Balls Laye had her escorted from the studio and once again arrested.

Although he harbors no ill will against his long time girlfriend, Mike "Man Balls" Laye says that he wishes her the best, hopes she gets the help she needs, and has recently released the uncensored poo flinging video under the title, "Poo Wars: Dirty Monkey Sex" and has made a major profit, having enough to sign the elusive Patty Mayonnaise, of former Nickelodeon fame on the show "Doug".

As for Candy, her family and close friends have recently attempted an intervention, which ultimately failed when she went "Bat Shit Crazy" ripping off their faces, pooping on their bodies, and then setting them on fire. After all, at the end of the day, she's still a fucking coke-addicted monkey. I mean seriously, are you surprised?